although this photo shouldn’t count because it was taken in december, i’d just like to say i’m 22 years old now and this is my 4th birthday on tumblr!~

i’m not so sure where to begin with what has been going on in my life, but i’ll try to get as much of it in just to satisfy your curiosity (if you are, that is). it’s short. i’ve re-read this a couple of times.

if i had known that i would make such a strange and awkwardly permanent move, i would have planned it better - i would have had a nice dinner with friends, i would have packed nicer clothes, i would have sold all my old bags, i would have told kc i have always had a crush on him (because i will forever wonder what his face would be like from my crazy confession), i would have given andrew my pen tablet, i would have spent more time with kuya, i would have told my parents ahead of time, i would have given sean and camz more of my old stuff when i was packing (haha!), i would have had one more fucking jolly hotdog, i would have held niki in the tightest embrace that last night we had dinner - and the list honestly goes on.

i took a vacation to see j - and when i did i was so depressed and crazy and all these raging emotions tossed me back and forth into other men, other strangers, other forms of temporary warmth. my parents knew what was up and shipped me to the conservative boundaries of canada, hence why i’m currently in vancouver, bc (still dreaming and craving for the crazy that is california).

i live with my boyfriend which i am not ashamed of and am honestly confused as to why that would bother anyone - i mean, if you had a chance to have someone you love live with you, would you say no?

i work for a huge company in bc, so i’m not entirely sure how i’ll want to settle for salary lower than what i make if i do decide to move back to manila. i’m saving up for a (better) car, an apartment, some savings here and there for anthony and i one day, and capital to start a chocolate cafe back at home (because ultimately, that is home and i’d want my kids to study in manila some day - even cooler if they all looked like me but had blue eyes!)

i feel like i always have to explain myself these days because i don’t have that many people to talk to. i’ve been to some classes, yes; i do have workmates, yes - but friends back at home feel more real. i feel like i’m the funniest, the most annoying, and the most friendly when i speak in filipino - when i have lame conyo moments.

i remember how i had my first date with a filipino who said online that he was “spanish 1/4 filipino” my translation was: ohh cool. he’s spanish, “okay, let’s meet up at scarborough station” (i lived in toronto btw and scarborough was a 2 hour train. wtf). i honestly forgot his face, i know so mean of me! but his name was adam and i googled him and he was one of the whatever basketball players in the philippines. anyway, back to the point, he actually meant he was 1/4 spanish! so during the date i was like, “uhm, adam, you’re 1/4 filipino? do you speak tagalog” and he said, “haha what? no 1/4 spanish, at oo” me, “walang hiya ka. lahat naman tayo ‘spanish’ - I’VE NEVER DATED ASIANS K”

but i swear, if i could just find my old sim card back then, haha that was the best date ever. it feels amazing to connect with filipinos. it’s just sort of sad that he felt more like a cousin than actual person i’d see myself dating again. maybe that’s why i stopped talking to him (and i let him think that my name was alex the whole time).

i don’t know why i just shared that.

i teared up a little just now thinking about my family. it’s going to be almost a year since i graduated, since i escaped that fantasy that maybe j and i could be together.

anyway… all i know is that, it’s nice to be a little older. aside from gerard, i’ve always been around older people since i moved (anthony’s 26) - so i feel like since i’m only 22, i have SO MUCH more experiences ahead of me (heck i don’t care if i turn 26 right now, that’s still young to me!)

but until my next crazy thing (i hit a car, i left a tiny, tiny scratch and they’re charging me at least 2K so nothing crazy soon), later foos.